I have just finished watching Northanger Abbey and Mansfield Park, and while romance of that nature is unrealistic and superficial, I wish... for once that a man would wish to date me regardless of situation... I know that's not fair, I'm being horribly cruel, attachment is impossible. Even if I were here for longer what would happen when the time ended? Things would just fall apart, we would go back to pretending it never was, I read too many novels... my expectations are too high. I'm only 21, and yet I would seem as if I was rushing into this. It is not that I long to rush in, it is that I need time to figure out what I want. Figure out what sort of man.... would make me happy. I have picked all the wrong ones thus far, my judgement is clouded where love is concerned. And all the thoughts and all the elements that I would think would make me happy, never seem to be enough... the common solution is that I've not met the right guy yet... but what if I have and it's just not the right time or place? How would I know, what do I have to compare it to... If I were philosophical, what is love? And how do you know when you have found it?

Do not alarm yourselves, I am not in love... I merely suffer from a chonic issue with identity. If I can not identify love how am I to ever experience it?

I have met a boy here in England, he is a gentleman, he makes me laugh and he treats me right but alas I have no time to really get to know him in person. From what I have gathered thus far, he's kind, sweet, complimentary... almost too much sometimes, generous, reasonably handsome... :P, funny and quite intelligent in certain areas. We shall remain good friends, I do hope that in time, he and I might meet again but who knows when that might be.

With all the male attention the last few years, one would have thought me certain to have a Significant Other, but for one reason or another... I have not found him yet. A part of me wonders about my capability... Yes I know everyone says he'll come around when you least expect it or there are plenty of fish in the sea, or the right man is out there somewhere. I'm sure it is all true and on the one hand I'm willing that time take its course, but on the other hand I wish it might bloody hurry up. lol. I ain't getting any younger. :P


To think it's almost december... I will not know how to feel when I leave. And let me make clear, I do not want promises, nor attachments, when I find love I want it to be free, not hindered by distance or situation. :)


Such a melancholy discussion I am having with myself... and you lot just sitting in the audience I must sound to you like a choir of dramatics. I do not mean to carry on this way and truth be told I don't know how I feel about Luke, and I am voluntarily choosing not to employ any particular feeling for the obvious reasons.

I shall for once sit back and let time take its toll... for better or worse. :)